I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
