Swine flu. Run for my life!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
