I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
