I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
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His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
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I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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