remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
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Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
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I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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