Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
