Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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