Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
