who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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