Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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