My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
