so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
