I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
