Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
