There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
