Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
