i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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