I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I could make wine with my vomit
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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