she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Buhtt sex?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
