I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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