WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
