A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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