Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
