She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
