My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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