you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
