You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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