I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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