It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
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I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick