Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other