The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
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His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.