just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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