seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
