Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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