I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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