She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
