Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
