Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
