just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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