I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
