i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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