No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He passed out mid-signature
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
