Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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