somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
