You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And my parents said I crawled through the house
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
