There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
