Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The air taste purple.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
