Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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