I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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