How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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