my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
