If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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