I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
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We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
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I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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