you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
