I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You took a bar mat shot.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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