we have pet lesbian snakes
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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