Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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