theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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