My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
